5 Ways Motherhood Changed Me
22 days (and some sleepless nights) in
My 3 week old is asleep on her side swaddled in my left arm. Face softly lit by the light of my Macbook, she makes small snorting sounds while she breathes. There is nothing more peaceful and ephemeral than a sleeping baby in one’s arms.
I glance in the mirror. It’s 8:03pm. My hair is in a messy bun, no make-up, t-shirt stained with breast milk, and eyes bleary from lack of sleep. Not glamorous, but has been the majority of my post-birth reality for the first few weeks.
Welcome to motherhood. Welcome to the moments of blissful peace where you can take stock of all the profound changes in your life while proudly staring down at the one who has caused these seismic shifts and whose needs will forever impact the decisions you make. What I have experienced the past few weeks:
- Deeper appreciation for my parents:
Parenting is not easy. It is a 24x7, lifetime responsibility that unlike the work world offers little external recognition of the impact you make (at least at the beginning). Any acknowledgement of your efforts to nurture your little one must come from within. I take pride in our 2-week pediatrician visit when we find out she has gained weight since we left the hospital. The sleepless nights are repaid in baby coos and perhaps an unwitting smile from her.
When I think about the decisions and trade-offs my mom made between her career and caring for me, I have so much appreciation and respect for her. Most everything my parents did was in what they thought were my best interests based on their upbringings and beliefs. Memories of disagreements with my parents I harbored growing up have faded, replaced by a more empathetic understanding of them and myself. I hope someday my little one will look at me with a compassionate lens on how we raised her.
2. Hyper awareness of time and priorities:
When I’m feeding the baby in 2–4 hours blocks, there is an urgency to get things done now if they matter or they may not happen for a while. I’m also experiencing a shift of priorities. Not much really matters in the short-term beyond interpreting and meeting the needs of this new little being. In the longer term, I want to devote time to things that matter and make a better world for her to inherit.
3. Awe of the female human body:
I didn’t know much about the miracle of breast feeding before my last couple months of pregnancy. This beautiful, symbiotic dance between your baby and your body making food “on demand” based on her needs is incredible and empowering. As the baby feeds, she is also sending signals to your uterus to contract, thus helping you to heal. You both release oxytocin which benefit both of your well-beings and creates an inextricable bond.
4. Trust of my gut:
As much as I read books, attended classes, and polled friends, there is no “right” answer to the many of the questions of parenting. Everyone has different advice based on their own experiences. New parents can also have a lot of anxiety and Google is not necessarily your best friend for information. In addition to the pediatrician’s sound advice, I am developing more confidence in my intuition that I know what’s best for our little one.
5. Joy of being present:
So much of my life I have spent multi-tasking: eating lunch while on a conference call, working out while listening to an audio book, and the list goes on. While still novel, I enjoy the hands-on, mindful care for our baby: the feeding, diapering, hushing, snuggling, rocking, burping, bathing, clothing, talking, and singing to her. She lets out a plaintive wail if I am not giving her my full attention during most of these rituals. I am discovering that these, in turn, are more enjoyable when I am fully focused on her and the task at hand. At times, multitasking is good, in fact required, but taking the opportunity to slow down and savor whatever you are doing is also important. I reflect on how I was living my life previously and how I can be more present going forward.
And with that last line, her body tenses up with the “Moro” or “startle reflex.” Her arms and legs flail upward for a second, then she goes back to sleep. I glance at the clock. She’ll want to eat again in about an hour. For now, I just want to gaze at her with an overwhelming sense of love, gratitude, and obligation to make this world better and every possibility in it available to her to the best of my ability.
